Happy, Happy, Happy!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

This morning I woke up feeling like it was my birthday because, well, it is!  I have always had sort of a love/hate relationship with my birthday.  I love the idea of birthdays; of celebrating someone for a whole day simply because they are alive.  But, I don't know, there's all this pressure to feel special and wise and new.  What if you don't feel special on your birthday?  What if you have to work and take care of the kids and you're exhausted or you're sick or you have a migraine?  What if it just feels like another humdrum day?  Is it a wasted opportunity to feel amazing that only comes around once a year?

My dad loves to tell the story of my 1st birthday party (pictured above.)  He said that I spent the entire day running around with balloons in my mouth yelling "happy, happy, happy!"  I didn't know it was a special day, but I did know that there was family, there were balloons, and there was cake.  What more could a one-year-old want?! So today that is my goal.  Today I have family, balloons, and cake.  I'm not pressuring myself to feel special or older or wiser; I'm simply going to take this day as an opportunity to be happy, happy happy!

Mother's Day X 2

Sunday, May 11, 2014

I am very blessed to have had two women in my life that I called "mom."  I had a beautiful mother for the first thirteen years of life who exuded joy, beauty, and grace.  Then, nine years later, another woman entered my life and filled a long-empty void.  There is a stigma surrounding the term "mother-in-law" but early on in our relationship Tinina and I decided we wanted to drop the "in-law" part.  This woman has been such an incredible example to me, and has truly become one of the closest people in my life.  She is often the first person I call when I'm upset, one of my favorite people to celebrate with, and the person whose qualities I most hope to emulate in my own life.  She is so similar to my own mom that I'm certain they would have been best friends.  Two years ago I not only gained an incredible mother, but I also gained a best friend.  Someone asked me this morning if Mother's Day was a hard day for me, but it's not because it's a day that I get to celebrate two amazing women who have blessed my life immensely.  Happy Mother's Day!!

Guilt Complexes & Leaving Room for Grace

Friday, May 9, 2014

Well hello there! It's been awhile, hasn't it?  I've taken a bit of a break from blogging (and, really, from the internet in general) because it was beginning to make me feel... cluttered.  And overwhelmed.  And that sort of defeats the purpose of what many of us are trying to accomplish in this blogging-world, now doesn't it?

I'm beginning to notice that in many aspects of my life I have a habit of putting these arbitrary expectations on myself and then settling into a comfortable nook of guilt when I fail to meet them.  When Ty and I first got married it was about the dishes; I somehow, somewhere, decided in my mind that it was my duty to do the dishes every night.  When they weren't done (or when Ty would do them) I would feel guilty and angry at myself and, through the power of projection, assume that Ty must certainly feel disappointed and angry at me.  It was a lot of unneeded tension that simply came from insecurities in my mind.  Ty doesn't mind doing the dishes.  Really, he doesn't.  And sometimes the dishes don't get done for a week and you know what?  Life goes on.

I had a similar sentiment when I began taking blogging a bit more seriously.  I put this arbitrary expectation on myself that I should be posting at least three times a week and if I wasn't then I was most certainly failing.  And for what?  I haven't posted in over a week and I am quite certain that you readers are still okay, that you are somehow getting by without me (sarcasm!)  It's pretty dang narcissistic, when I think about it.

Anyway, recently I've been trying to leave room for grace for myself.  To find that delicate balance between responsibility and freedom.  I've been spending my evenings doing things that I love and that make me feel alive.  And I want to keep blogging, I really do!  But I'd like to do so because I enjoy writing and connecting with this community- not because it's an obligation.

And, hey- thanks for reading along.  Really, I mean it.